by Michelle Larson
It’s been a while… a long while, since I have written a raw and real blogpost. The last couple of years have been quite overwhelming and honestly I had to work hard to keep some semblance of bliss in my life, and certainly didn’t feel I had extra to spread around. In January of 2013, my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer and was told he had three to six months to live. At the time our relationship was strained, but once this reality hit us both, none of what kept us apart mattered anymore. I, along with my sister and my mother, took care of him each day. I took him to his chemo appointments, juiced for him, made him a concoction that he drank daily that was meant to be the miracle cure. I would spend the night with him, watching the crazy violent movies he liked. He would tease me about being too soft and prissy, just like the old days. I said all the things I wanted to say. Told him how very much I loved him and comforted him with what I felt he might be headed toward on the other side. It was an emotionally exhausting, devastatingly painful and incredible humbling time. My father didn’t have faith in much when he passed. Since we hadn’t shared in each other’s lives for more than 5 years when he found out he was dying, he didn’t know the spiritual depth in me. I tried to show him without words. I think he saw that I was changed, but I don’t think he really understood how it happened.
On Valentine’s Day, about 8 weeks before he died, I brought him a gift. It was two stones; one rose quartz that fit perfectly into his palm. As I placed the stone in his hand, he said, “What is this?” I said, “Dad, hold this stone in your hand and breathe; believe that it can help to heal you. Whether you want to relieve your physical pain or the hurt in your heart, hold it and know that you can.” I wrapped his fingers around the pink stone. Then I asked for his other hand. I placed a crème colored heart shaped stone in his palm, and I said, “Hold this stone in your hand and let it remind you how very much you are loved.” We both cried and held each other. He held the stones often and when people came to visit they would ask about them and he would explain what they were for. There was deep forgiveness in those stones and he knew it. On the day that he died, he went into a coma. His body was shutting down and I felt his soul had left or was maybe hovering over him. I placed the stones back into his cool palms and wrapped his fingers around them, then I wrapped my own hands around his. I knelt in front of him and talked with him for hours. I’m not sure that his heart was truly free from the heaviness he carried. I wish I had heard the words that would have let me know that he transitioned with a peaceful heart… but I suppose it doesn’t matter. I would like to think that his soul left all of the anger, negativity and resentment in fine, invisible dust to be transformed to divine love, as it drifted into the next realm.
Amazingly, two years have gone by since my Dad passed. I still keep the two stones close by and almost everyday I look at them, pick one up and warm it in my hand, sometimes holding it up to my heart and know that… with the rose quartz stone, I can heal myself… and with the heart shaped stone, I am reminded of how very much I am loved.